hmd: how's my driving
played by: Teal
contact: AIM: failscream
Now this is a story all about how
Bro's life got flipped-turned upside down
I'd like to take a minute just sit right then
and tell you how he became a ninja guardian.
In the big big city born and raised
At the record store is where he spent most of his days
Chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool,
And spinnin some rad beats outside of school
When a giant meteor from an interstellar war
Fell from the sky and smashed up his fave store
In the wreckage he found a baby all alone
So he picked the kid up and raised it as his own
The kid grew up both rad and a dude
And he did his best to impart a good 'tude
But destiny was callin from up in the sky
More meteors fallin to make the world go bye-bye
Crazy cat yo this is bad
His bro playin a game to bend the world like that
Is this what his life was gonna be like?
Hmm this might be allright
Even with the possible death and all that
It's not the kinda thing that'd phase this cool cat
He cut a meteor in half and decided to see then
He hoped they'd be prepared for the ninja guardian
Well the meteor was bested and he came about
There was a dude with black wings who seemed to be callin him out
Bro weren't up in his grill, Bro'd just gotten there
Bro sprang with the quickness of lightning and kicked his derriere
Bro split the platform in half and fled the scene
Only to find himself in this weird-ass Between
If anything he could say the adventure's been real
And the ninja guardian thing's sure got appeal
So here he is now in a place between worlds
Chillaxin with some cool cats and rad dudes
I've rapped long enough, Bro's story's done
That's the tale of how Bro became a ninja guardian
Okay what you have to understand here is that Bro is in fact the raddest dude on the planet.
Or any planet, really, I have yet to see a troll who even remotely attempts to approach this level of pulchritude, who has quite this much mangrit. I am sorry but you cannot hope to compare with Bro in terms of radicalness, he is simply the best there is.
What, did you not see his Kamina shades? His hat? His ninja sword? Did you not notice that he is fast enough to attack people with a puppet using stop motion? Did you not see that he cut a meteor in two with a sword up there in my most outrageous rap version of his history? Did it escape your notice that this is a man who keeps swords in his refrigerator and makes puppet pornography in his spare time?
… wait hold on there back up for a second.
It is true that Bro is quite radical, and he is idolized by his brother Dave, but Bro is also excessively weird. Like all Guardians, Bro has mad crazy powers and is all up in this Sburb biznasty, having had at least some knowledge of the crazy world-ending time-fucking game beforehand. Also like all Guardians, Bro has an odd obsession. His... just... happens to be sexually questionable puppets.
It's probably ironic. Probably. Point is, we are talking about a man who is simultaneously the raddest dude on the planet who also runs a website devoted to muppet pornography.
Bro is a troll in the truest sense of the word (not actually a Troll, but a troll oh god homestuck why so complicated). He has a fierce sibling rivalry with his younger brother (also future son via cloning IT'S COMPLICATED) that still seems to be a mostly loving relationship; it's just that by 'loving' we mean 'Bro likes to use his ninja skills and super speed to move puppets around the house in order to freak Dave out' and 'has a massive swordfight with Dave on the roof in which he basically cherry-taps Dave with a puppet because he is That Good'. Yes. According to Dave, Bro is somewhat of a rap god, using his sylladex as a weapon via the hashmap function – shout certain words, the hashmap of that word will eject the card of the corresponding number at high velocity. The two engage in battles of this kind.
Given what we can glean about Bro from his room, Bro is, well, the broingest dude to ever … oh man I just over-90's myself, sorry, hang on. Back up.
Okay you know what I will sum this up like so: Bro is a supernatural ninja guardian frat boy rapper /b/-tard internet troll with a destiny.
There. That wasn't so hard.
Abilities & WeaknessesEdit
Ninja - Bro is absurdly fast. Ridiculously fast. Mind-numbingly fast. He's about as fast as you can get without being the Flash. Also, he can split meteors. Also... yeah.
Okay you want to see how fast Bro is? Watch this flash.. Realize that the shadows flickering about there are Bro.
And for his normal combat abilities? Again. Yes.
Probably we'll tone-down the meteor splitting or say that he can only do this when it'd be sufficiently epic.
This all probably stems from him being a Guardian.
Rhyme Master - He's really good at rapping
Puppet Master - Bro can combine his ludicrous speed with his puppets to execute attacks.
Sylladex - like many Homestuck characters, Bro has a Sylladex. We'll say that his has ten cards in it at present. It uses a hash function and is kind of a pain to explain, so instead I will just give you a link to the homestuck wiki which explains it better than I could.
It also comes with a Strife Deck, and Bro uses the Bladekind Abstratus and the Puppetkind Abstratus. Only weapons can be placed in this deck, and only if you have the correct Abstratus, ergo, Bro can currently ONLY use Puppets and Blades.
TL;DR – he can stick items inside cards and retrieve them later. He can also use this as a weapon – if he shouts words with equivalent hash values to the items inside, they will launch at high velocity in whatever direction he's facing.
Embed video? Quote song lyrics? Trivia section? Whatever!